twinutero

Today is a good day for writing about sibling cooperation. Having just negotiated one of the most chaotic, whirling-tantrum, brother-bites-brother mornings on record, I can now, as the kids nap, reflect on how they sometimes do, and often don’t play nicely together.

Our parenting books claim that children do not play collaboratively until age two. Younger kids may play alongside each other, but do not engage one another. They also say that children under three cannot recognize or respond to feelings in others. Perhaps these are standard opinions in child psychology, but we’ve all heard stories of twins who display an innate understanding and inseparable bond, who play in their own little world of two, and who create an early and exclusive language.

Based on the limited sample of my three kids, I’d say both views are true.

From birth, Alex and Jon slept together, first in the same bassinet and later in the same crib. This seemed to comfort them, which is understandable given how they had spent the previous nine months. Thomas, who was was fifteen months old when the twins were born, showed immediate curiosity and affection. He would routinely peer over the side of the bassinet and occasionally try to climb into it. He seemed always aware of his new brothers, but rarely jealous. When he returned from home-care in the evening, he would kiss them both before racing to his toys.

I wish I could say this peaceful brotherly love is all we have known. But no. Thomas has since entered the “terrible twos” and has learned to express himself both verbally and (in classic two-year-old fashion) non-verbally. He still shows beautiful love and caring for his brothers: He has comforted their crying; retrieved fallen bottles and soothers; read to them from books he has memorized; become amazingly adept at feeding them; and on occasion even shared his most precious cars. He is two, however, so he has also hit his little brothers, bitten them, pushed them, told them to stay home, refused to share toys, and most frequently, ordered me to put his brothers down so my arms would be free for him. I suppose none of this is unusual.

Interaction between Alex and Jon was less predictable, at least for me. They are dizygotic twins – no more alike genetically than any two siblings. In fact, Alex and Jon are polar opposites. (More on individuality in a future post.) They do, nonetheless, have a close and quite fascinating relationship.

At about four months old, the twins began to show more than a simple awareness of one another. They began to show an awareness of one another’s soother. Side-by-side in the stroller, Alex would quite earnestly pull the soother from Jon’s mouth and put it in his own. Jon would retaliate. This kind of interaction quickly progressed from soothers, to bottles, to toys. Like all young toddlers, they want what the other has, and they will steal, bite, hit and cry to get it.

But I have also seen interaction between Alex and Jon that I think is less typical for one-year-olds. They clearly play together. One will initiate a chase, the other will laugh infectiously, and they’re both off, up and down the hallway, back and forth from kitchen to living room, keeping tabs on each other and laughing all the way. The same kind of laughter erupts when together they discover something new: a pile of diaper wraps; a big box of Lego; a tunnel of chairs beneath the table.

Now fourteen months old, the twins are starting to utter their first words. Jon appears to have been born an engineer and is fascinated by all things electrical. His first word was “light” which he says with eureka-like enthusiasm while pointing to the nearest or newest light source. Not to be outdone, Alex began the same sort of light-identification about a week after Jon. They have learned several words from each other in this way.

Even when their words are not comprehensible, the twins appear to communicate with each other. This is most obvious when they are sitting at the dinner table. The conversation goes something like this:

Jon: “Abith.”
Alex: “Booda.”
Jon: “Oog.”
Alex: “Abeet abeeda.”

And so on. Who knows if they are talking, but they are clearly taking turns. And when they aren’t fighting over them, I have also seen them take turns with their toys. Just last weekend, I watched Alex hand a Tupperware lid to Jon, who put it to his face as if to kiss it. Jon then handed a different lid to Alex who also gave it a kiss. Back and forth went the lids and kisses.

The downside of this mutual awareness is mutual awakenings. We moved the twins to different beds when they were about two months old. A short while later, we moved them to different rooms in an attempt to stop them from waking each other. Once comforted by being in the same bassinet, they now sleep better alone and in silence. Perhaps separating them was a mistake. I am digressing. One day, when I am feeling strong and optimistic, I will write about our many and varied nighttime adventures….

(And no, I did not write this entire post during a single nap!)